Empathy: understanding the very nature which we all come from

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I have realized the importance of empathy.

It's more than "putting yourself in someone else's shoes." That was a phrase I used to hear a lot, from which I formed a conception:

I believed that empathy was about justifying the attitude and behavior of others by seeing things as they saw them. And so, the decisions they made and the thoughts they had were justified.

I thought that... empathy had to be "deserved." Someone who had a valid way of seeing things. Someone who was right in their decisions and beliefs deserved to be understood. That's what I believed.

Therefore, if someone did not have a valid perspective on things or life, they did not deserve empathy.

This follows a logic of identifying what was right and what was wrong, and from there, who should receive empathy and who was worthy of it.

This made me wonder if, then, not everyone should receive empathy.

But this logic follows a path of polarities:

What is right, what is wrong…

What is valid, or not valid…

What is true and what is false…

These only lead us to an extreme and unbalanced path. Full of judgments that condition you to believe that something "is" or "is not." They function as rules in your life and commit you to it by believing that something should be (or is) a certain way, and thus you live according to that belief. Which is neither good nor bad, it simply dictates your life. It's up to you to decide.

That is why I recommend keeping ourselves in a neutral point. Free from conditioning and regimes dictated by beliefs.

I saw empathy as a benefit for the one who received it, not for the one who gave it. I thought: “lucky is the one who is attributed/receives empathy.” Because I believed that the one who received it would no longer be misunderstood by others, something that could be comfortable or pleasing due to the external acceptance it generates. Of course, that is if you care too much about what others think of you.

My perception of empathy has changed radically. By reading. Because I have learned that empathy is not a gift for the one who receives it, but for the one who gives it.

We are not capable of seeing the things in front of us in the same way that other people do. Everyone has unconscious information or beliefs that make us see things in a particular way.

From here, there are two paths a person could take: 1. Judge; taking the beliefs we have as absolute and infallible truth. Or 2. Open our minds; realizing that what we see comes from unconscious beliefs that are limited to a simple perception within a partial and limited field of knowledge. Most people tend to take the first path. We tend to judge what is in front of us. These are judgments made based on our beliefs. They reveal our unconscious information. There is a concept that occurs very frequently among human beings: disagreement. This releases dynamics of discussion or generates conflicts if we do not manage it well in social relationships.

Disagreement occurs a lot between people due to the radical difference in beliefs and therefore ideas that each person has. And when there is mutual misunderstanding or towards the other person, we tend to assume things to avoid being adrift because the mind cannot stand uncertainty. In other words; we judge.

This is how we come to conclusions and live in a dynamic full of assumptions that provide anything but security and freedom. Empathy comes to open a door to understand things in a different way, outside of our assumptions. It takes an open mind to be able to see the reasons that prompted another person to act or react in a certain way, to be able to see... the roots from which their ideas originate. And so, observe the logic that governs the reasoning that guides their thoughts to have those ideas and that character. And these is how we finally understand why someone else sees an object, thing, or situation in a certain way, with certain characteristics… you understand the way someone is able to see something.

It is at this moment when you stop believing that people's intentions or reactions can have an end or impact on you. When you stop assigning "ways of being" and labels to their actions or responses. Because you already understand them. You no longer judge and free yourself from the conditioning that any judgment you might have made could govern your life. By being aware of all these things, it is the moment when you are able to see things you did not see before. Understanding provides you with a broad perspective. You opened your mind to a new way that gives you vision. A wider panoramic vision that only opens doors for you in life. Do you see the connection? You opened your mind, and automatically the doors of life open for you. Cause-effect.

“The key to employing empathy in a relationship is to know the other person's value system, which inevitably differs from yours. What they interpret as displays of love, attention, or generosity will diverge from your way of thinking. The value system is formed in early childhood and is not a conscious creation. Keeping the other person's value system in mind will allow you to enter their spirit and perspective just when you would normally become defensive.

Measure all your relationships on the spectrum of narcissism. It is not one person or another but the dynamic itself that needs to be modified.”

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(Robert Greene. Laws of Human Nature)

Now, understanding another person's reasoning and motivation does not mean that you agree or have to agree with it. It does not mean a change of perspective, but an expansion of it. It does not mean giving validity to the concepts that another person considers as truth, nor does it mean justifying their actions and reactions. You simply realize the cause-and-effect behind their actions. That's all. And not judging them gives you freedom. Because judgments condition you. And at that moment you realize that a person does not act because they are "evil" or "malicious," "kind" or "benevolent." They have reasons that do not justify their behavior but serve as sufficient arguments within their mind to react/act that way. You cannot expect anything else. (it is still the same: cause-effect within an algorithm).

Everyone has their own arguments for believing that something is real or not. Empathy allows you to see others'.

The human system will always want the best to preserve itself. Our mind acts based on what it has at hand, that means, it makes the best decision based on its knowledge. And every decision it makes has an underlying purpose of bringing us closer to or directing us toward the best. (“Best” have a meaning inside ur mind).

Therefore, many times we think we are making a good decision because our knowledge says so; our beliefs support it. Our knowledge functions as sufficient evidence to be sure to act, and believe that we are acting "right" or "wrong." Our own values say it. But they are just beliefs; they do not mean a truth. "The best" for someone will be according to their beliefs. And guess what, they are unconscious, we cannot control or see them.

This is how we understand that arguments or mental evidence are what sustain our actions (determine what we see, and thus drive our actions).

A person don’t “is” a certain way. He/she just have actions which u take as “good” or “bad” or any qualifier u want, but it is just talking about you. We don't see things as “they are”, but as we are.

Understanding someone will never free the other person, but you. Because for the mind, understanding is the path out of conflict.

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Relate it to when two people get angry because they have a disagreement:

If one of them could understand things the way the other does, they would agree and come out of the conflict, but the issue is that they understand what is in front of them differently, which is why they disagree. It's like... an absence of harmony. Understanding is coherence and harmony. And with empathy, I am not talking about understanding an object in the same way that someone else does. Instead, it’s about understanding that the way the other person does it has no end goal related to you; neither against you nor for your benefit, but simply a logic constructed by their beliefs. It is logical for a person to think in a certain way because their beliefs align with that way of thinking, and they are the root; that is, a certain perception that a person has is evident when they have beliefs that support it: in coherence. They are connected.

You cannot expect something different from what is rooted. It works like a truth.

For example,

you cannot demand someone to has certain manners in public when they were never taught them as a child. This person who lacks these manners does not understand manners as you do. You may give great importance to them, but this person was never taught about the importance of manners in general. You cannot demand something that they do not see, which in this case, is the importance of manners. You cannot demand something that they do not understand. That is to say, you can do it if you want, but do not expect them to do it, because in their mind, it does not work that way. They do not understand it as you do. Their mind is not capable of seeing it that way because their information does not align with that end or result.

And what I mean by this is not about thinking the same way as another person. It is about understanding that human beings function through reasons, motivations, actions, and feelings or reactions. Each of these parts occurs in a certain way and intensity according to the unconscious information a person has.

It's like an automatic algorithm that works inside people's heads. And you can't expect anything other than what is logical according to the algorithm. This algorithm is information that we acquire during our early years of life. At some point, the complete algorithm is finally formed, allowing us to reason, act, and react without the help of the people who take care of us (our parents). It is not about "evil" or "goodness," "vanity" or "naivety." It is the evident and consequent reaction or perception according to the beliefs (unconscious information) that a person has. It is about understanding that the other is not your enemy. Because people really do not do things to harm us; their actions are not even directed at us. That might be what we believe, but the reality is that everyone does things for themselves and nothing more.

Our nature seeks personal security to protect oneself first, not to harm others. Many times we perceive or accept others' actions as threats, but that is another matter.

You are not insulted; you pick up the insults. They do not make you cry; you give validity to their comments and u cry.

But when you realize that no one can hurt you unless you pick it up, that is when you will be free. And that is what empathy offers: understanding the human being because we all come from the same nature. It is a simple natural law.

I could refer to empathy as understanding the very nature from which we all come.

"We are all victims of our own circumstances. Just as there is a victim, we will tend to see the villain in front of us, which can be a thing or a person. But only you have the power to give it the ability to 'act upon you.'

Nothing is important enough to affect you unless you allow it."

What is something u may be giving relevance to, that drains your life?

I like hearing ur opinions, tell me what else would u like me to write about next?